Intimate? You May Be Deficient

By Uloop Writer on May 17, 2013

Apparently ten years old is a rather important age for a male’s future love life.

We know it’s a time of self-discovery. At roughly the age of ten, males may eat as many hard-boiled eggs as possible in a minute, spend up to half an hour searching for an imaginary friend during a raucous game of hide-and-seek, or, according to psychologists, “experience the gender-linked normative developmental trauma that leaves them, as adult men, at risk for…deficits in the arenas of intimacy, empathy, and struggles with commitment in relationships.”

Who friggin’ knew!

That jaw-dropping tidbit of trivia appeared in Susan Orlean’s “The American Male at Age Ten,” and after I read it, I immediately thought about myself at that age. Was I comfortable with my female playmates? Did I have female playmates? If I didn’t, and, worse, if I thought females had cooties, does that mean I experienced the trauma?

Maybe. Let’s look at the unbiased facts: I’ve been married zero times. I’ve been engaged zero times. I’ve moved in with a girlfriend exactly zero times. I abhor weddings (though that’s mainly because the speeches reek of the cliche), and when my friends get engaged, I experience a broad range of emotions that follows a similar pattern of those grieving a family member’s death. My car’s name is Lola, but I often get mad at her (she’s needy in terms of gas and expensive radiators), and rarely do I commit to her if someone else offers to drive.

However, despite all the evidence stacked against me, I do not believe I am deficient in the intimacy department–I would go for a good hard round of cuddling any day. But you, dear reader, may be at risk. And let’s not narrow this to males only, even though “The American Male at Age Ten” didn’t mention females. But let’s face it, dude or otherwise, you may have experienced this type of trauma.

Luckily, I just spent twelve minutes intently thinking, and I came up with some signs that you struggle with being intimate and in a committed relationship.

1) For another article I’m writing, I interviewed Lady Palmo and her son, Jigme Rinpoche. They are Buddhist spiritual leaders, and her repeated requests were the main reason the Dalai Lama visited Eugene last week. Anyway, when Rinpoche spoke, his eyes utterly transfixed on his listener’s. He did not just look at me–it felt as if he saw into my soul. I didn’t squirm or look away. Instead, I sensed a deeper connection that made his words more powerful and easier felt. Now with this in mind, turn to your mate and stare, unblinkingly, into his or her soul. If it makes you uncomfortable, then that may be a bad sign.

2) If your better half buys you a gift or does something genuinely thoughtful for you, how do you feel? If you immediately think, Oh crap, I have to get her something now, then you’re feeling the wrong thing. Relationships shouldn’t be predicated on pressure. If she does something nice for you, be grateful and nothing more. When you do something for her, do you want her reaction to be, Oh crap, I have to get him something now! No, you best not feel that way.

3) If you don’t like to kiss in public, that’s a bad sign.

4) Similarly to #1, if you struggle to listen to your mate, that means you’re a bad listener, and that’s a bad sign. It’s an intimate thing in itself, to listen to someone in focused silence. I recently came across a brilliant quote about the art of silence, and it touches on listening, so allow me to share a piece of it: “The silence that, without any deferential air, listens with polite attention, is more flattering than compliments, and more frequently broken for the purpose of encouraging others to speak, than to display the listener’s own powers. This is the really eloquent silence.” Learn to listen like lazy ol’ ladies listen to Lifetime.

5) If you must make a pros and cons list for every person you date, that’s a really bad sign. Committing to someone comes out of magnetism, not self persuasion. If you must weigh people’s negative qualities to determine whether or not it’s worth being with them, then you probably have commitment issues. Face your fear and go for it with a quiet curiosity about where it will take you. A relationship is like March Madness: There are millions of possible outcomes, so trying to guess the right one is pointless. Instead, sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the thrill.

Photo by seanmcgrath on Flickr.com

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